Vagrant Writer

As you know I’ve been having problems with my wife. You can read my post entitled Selfishness and Joy to get some of the general idea of where we’ve been.

Things have been turbulent over the last few weeks, but things have been improving very much. As I mentioned in the other article my wife is going through some rough things, but she has been working hard to get herself through them.

After my pain had begun to subside about the past six months of our lives my mind began to turn to pain we endured before we got married. Just like with the recent issues I would be sitting, minding my own business and out of the blue my mind opens things up from the past I thought were long gone. I would begin feeling terrible, reliving all the old wounds. These are things we’ve worked through, talked about.

I need to remember that what she experienced and did during that time hurt her very much too, not just me. The selfishness of my thoughts makes me feel as if she did those things specifically to me, against me. But, I know she carries the guilt of her deeds because those actions hurt her forever. I also need to remember that she has asked forgiveness from the things she’s done, from The Father and Yeshua and according to Isaiah 1:18 she is made white as snow now.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Yeshua’s righteousness is imparted on her now according to 1 John 1:19:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

So, why was I not thinking about this?

I need to remember that all sins are against The Lord. His pain for her sins and MY sins is more than I can experience. I might be able to empathize with his pain in some remote way because I love her, but he created her, he knew her before the foundation of the world. His sadness is exponentially greater than mine, yet because of what she did, he took her tragedy and turned it into triumph with her repentance. By the shed blood of Christ, who became and possibly experienced her sins with her on that cross, she is forgiven in His eyes.

The Father finds that not just acceptable, but finds her repentance a miracle.

Why is that not good enough for me?

As the years went on I wanted my wife to ascribe part of her recovery from those events long ago to me because I wanted her to recognize that I was a positive force in her life. I wanted her to acknowledge that she needed me. Unfortunately, those selfish ideas were misplaced. If I had any hand in her recovery it was only because The Father used me. Only through a miracle of the Holy Spirit could she be drawn away from sin. I need to give credit where credit is due and that is to The Lord alone.

I need to move past my own selfishness, once again, and allow the completed work of The Messiah to be enough in my life. I need the judgment of The Lord to be the only judgment that matters in my life. I don’t know better than him.

My Wife has been with me for fifteen years, I have known her for eighteen years this December. She has stuck with me through good and bad times, loved me at my worst, gave birth to our son, sacrificed for us, and endured my own sins. I need to remember that my sins, although not similar, are just as bad as hers. There are no “varying levels” of sin. Every human beings sin is like used menstrual rags before The Father, yet through the sacrifice of Yeshua, we are made, as I said above, white as snow.

One of the greatest things I’ve learned through this experience with my wife in the last few months is that humans are extremely selfish creatures. Sin permeates every decision we make. As Christians our sin in that selfishness is a greater burden on us than most because we should be more keenly aware of the Lord’s work in our lives and we should be aware of the need to acknowledge His judgment and will. We shouldn’t be using our role as Christians to sit on our own thrones and pass judgment. We are all guilty and only though Christ, His deed – not ours, are we made righteous. I need to remember this lesson in my life so I can be a better, more loving, and forgiving husband to my wife, a better father to my family, and a better servant to those I will encounter in my life. I will also be a better example for Christ.

I’ve only been studying the word and truly following Yeshua for almost three years and this has been the most difficult journey of my life. I pray that I can endure to the end.