Motivation and Direction

In the years since my Mandela Effect video I’ve struggled with numerous things in my personal life that kept me from writing on this blog or producing more videos. As those who know me would attest, I was preparing several new videos immediately following my first and had high hopes and big plans to push my channel. I was consuming all sorts of content as the cultural fight continued on into President Trump’s term in office. Many were calling for people with big ideas and little to loose. People who were willing to risk it all because nothing could be leveraged over them in the fight for truth. I believed I met these requirements and was ready to push into the fray with not only cultural videos, but backing them with solid, biblical teachings. I felt I had not just truth in the culture war, but I had THE truth, the truth of Christ and the true meaning behind all of evil’s machinations.

But it didn’t happen. I never made it past the scripting stages of my next video as I got bogged down in research. The path of the video got longer and continued to wind on and on. The scope outstripped my limited means. I couldn’t keep up and tracking all the information became a chore unto itself. I thought about the Mandela Effect video and those that came to criticize me. I thought if I couldn’t make a definitive case, citing all my sources people would come for blood, regardless if the information I presented was accurate. As I learned, everyone, every single person believes they hold the “truth” regardless of whether it is actual truth or not.

Nearly insurmountable events in my personal life nearly destroyed my family. The time and effort needed to simply keep my family together was astounding. Recovering from that took years of my life. Those events were the final straw for me. I couldn’t keep up and I abandoned everything I wanted to do.


On a daily basis I struggle with motivation. I can spend all day getting hyped up about certain things but at night, I really come to life. I think more clearly. I’m more passionate. More Aware. Ready to do anything. I spend hours at night contemplating my actions. I prepare plans to execute on them. At times, I even get the opportunity to work on them, such as this post you are reading now.

For reference it’s 1:39 AM EST – way past my bed time, but part of me fears going to bed because as I write this, I know that tomorrow is going to be a struggle to recover all the ground I’ve gained today. I’ll lose my “vibe.” Every three steps forward, I get pushed back two. I can make progress, but I have trouble focusing, stifling my follow through the next day. The feeling is akin to a dream, but just in the motivation department. A since that what I had done or felt was real, but it wasn’t. I fear that loss every night.

This is attributed to several negative mental processes I’ve developed over the years and these things work in combination with medical issues I face including insomnia, possible sleep apnea, and other medical things I’m not going to share right now. I’m taking steps to fix the medical side, but its slow going and in a Covid world, it’s really slow going. I’m working towards the remedy, but all of this affects my ability to follow through with my desires. Until recently, I feel was barely able to control my life as a result and didn’t develop the willpower to see my desires through until the last few years. This led to missed opportunities and fear. Many years of my life were absolutely wasted because I couldn’t get my act together.


In case you don’t know I also support a fierce writing hobby over at my other website: I keep a blog there, primarily to document the progress of my writings to any passersby. In the last few months I put my writing on hiatus to really examine where my faith was, to examine where our world was. I spent time during that break getting this site dusted off and organizing how I wanted to approach it. I bought new hosting and a domain for it, hoping that investing some money would motivate me to put it on my priority list.

I’ll post an excerpt from a post I just made to Scientific Romance. I think this will help you frame where my mind has been lately as I’ve come back onto the scene.

On my other blog I’ve written over ten articles and they are all stuck in the drafts folder. I get lost in my thoughts. There is a lot I want to do, but there seems to be so many others doing it better than I could, so I feel kind of lost. I feel lost about a lot of stuff, not just lost in the world and my place in it, but I get thrown for a loop about things like selecting a proper keyboard sometimes.

Now, I’m not completely neurotic. I make many decisions on the fly all the time and trudge through my day with the best of them, believe me, but there are a handful of things that I have a hard time tackling because, to me, they are super important (Never underestimate a superior typing experience for a writer). This leads to me doing nothing in that particular area for a long while sometimes.

I’ve written a ton of stuff on this site over the last few weeks trying to sort out my feelings and addressing various issues as I do. But, because I get stuck in the loops outlined above and in this excerpt, nothing ever really gets done. I don’t commit. This has been a theme in my life. I’m not sure why. My brain always seems to be searching for the sure bet. I’m not a big risk taker as I mentioned above (whatever the inherent risk may be in writing a blog post here) and I’ve suffered for it in my life.

You can read the post over on the site if you are interested. I reiterate a lot of what I’m talking about here, just from a different perspective in relation to my interests as a writer, but is peak about my faith there too and how it relates to my “worldly efforts.” I spend a lot of time reflecting on my fears and choices over the course of my writing project housed on that site. I notice themes that run through my writing and through my efforts to reach people with my faith.

I explain all of this just so you can see where I’m coming from, my mental process, and what my intentions and desires are. Nothing is explicitly helpful to you, but cathartic for myself.

In a nutshell, as I specify in the other post I wrote, my intention is to get back to work with my writing not just on that site, but here too. I want to devout an equal amount of time to this blog. Essentially doing a one for one post on each site. If I post there, I want/ need to post here. I made a commitment to once a week. I reckon that even if you don’t find my writing particularly helpful, the writing will be helpful to me and allow me to flex that faith muscle I mention over there.

I will focus each blog, keeping these two worlds separate. This blog, now called Vagrant Writer, will focus on Christian topics. My other site, Scientific Romance, will focus on my writing. They really shouldn’t intertwine, but as my most recent posts over there shows, my faith is bleeding into every facet of my life. That’s a good thing! I hope that means committing to writing here should be easier, but I don’t want this place to become a blog exclusively about me or diverts into my hobbies. This is a place for Christ, a site I literally called “His Site” when I began.

I want to keep that mission statement.

As I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, I want to sincerely wish you all a Merry Christmas in 2021. Keep your eyes on Christ. God bless.

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