Since my last post I’ve tried to take a bit of time and think about who I am and what I want to have/ be/ do/ with my life. The age old question.
On my other blog I’ve written over ten articles and they are all stuck in the drafts folder. I get lost in my thoughts. There is a lot I want to do, but there seems to be so many others doing it better than I could, so I feel kind of lost. I feel lost about a lot of stuff, not just lost in the world and my place in it, but I get thrown for a loop about things like selecting a proper keyboard sometimes.
Now, I’m not completely neurotic. I make many decisions on the fly all the time and trudge through my day with the best of them, believe me, but there are a handful of things that I have a hard time tackling because, to me, they are super important (Never underestimate a superior typing experience for a writer). This leads to me doing nothing in that particular area for a long while sometimes.
What Have I Been Up To
The last few weeks I’ve spent reading some books on Christians topics. I’ve spent a lot of time listening to various videos on Christian topics on YouTube. I spent time with my son cleaning and priming miniatures that we intend to paint (Miniatures were a previous hobby of mine that my son recently embraced). I’ve been participating in weekly movie watching with my family, cleaning and bagging comics for my collection, and generally just catching up on a lot of “stuff” that I’ve had laying around.
All of this has brought me to nowhere and nothing, really. The faith based studying is always enlightening. I take a keen interest in those things, but I’m really anxious to apply those things not just in my life, but in support of others and I can’t seem to find an avenue for that right now and I can’t exactly see how to make one, but it’s deeply important to me. (I’ve got my blog, I guess I just need to grow it now [But video sounds so much better, doesn’t it?]).
With all my writing here on this site I never thought I would become a bonified screenwriter as a result. Filmmaking was always a dream of mine, but the opportunity to do so never presented itself, at least, that’s what I tell myself. Really, though, I was likely never bold enough to really reach for it. I enjoy the process of screenwriting and in the effort to pursue something deeper I’ve lost touch with the one interesting skill God gave me interest in. I think about writing often and I have several stories I want to tell and I would still like to tell them. So, with nothing better to do right now, I suppose I’ll make an attempt to tell them.
In January 2022 I’m going to shine up the old white boards again and we’ll pick up right where we left off several months ago.
Over the course of my writing experience on this site, I’ve experienced several bumps along the way, as you do. These are natural, but some of them really hit home. There have been a few really big bumps that made me stumble this year.
I took a risk and posted my Able Squad Pilot to Reddit. Two people read it. I think one of them is stealing my ideas to post in their own work now. This was a huge bummer, as I was hoping for a bigger response.
In the past I’ve talked about my general anxieties in completing Awaken because of the baggage the screenplay has for me. But, that was amplified when I completed the screenplay and sent it to a friend to read over. This particular friend is important because she has seen my twenty year struggle with the story. She’s seen my writing at it’s worst. Awaken was my first movie. She’s a competent writer herself and she understands me and my process. Her input is/was extremely valuable to me, but it never came after weeks, and now months, of waiting. There is a lot of baggage between her and I, ups and downs, highs and lows. Most of that is probably my fault. She’s a bit of a drama magnet too. I know she’s going through things too.
But, In a broader sense it triggered my sense of feeling alone in this. No one else knows anything about what I do that can give me any truly valuable input, outside it gives them a general sense of good or bad. Most people are honest with me, but the feedback rarely gives me growth as an artist. I don’t have any friends as it is and this made me feel even more alone. The experience made me feel I was truly writing in a vacuum. To this day the script hasn’t been returned and I’m paralyzed to “finalize” it. That is my fault.
This was the straw that broke the camels back. You can read the odyssey in the past posts to get the full spectrum, but because of Games Workshop’s general disdain for anything that isn’t profit, months of my work were rendered useless. Posting up that nonsensical document of nothing gutted me and really amplified my “this is all for nothing” feeling.
I feel trapped by everything I do. Jesus Christ is the only thing that makes me truly feel free. This feeling causes me to shut down a lot of things quickly if I feel they aren’t bearing fruit. Some things pass, but other things nag at me. I try everyday to be a good Christian man and I try every day to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk too. I expel things from my life if they are fruitless and I try to remove temptations and distractions too. Sometimes I feel like writing is a distraction, but its the only worldly hobby that brings me joy. I try to reconcile those feelings to varying degrees of success.
Now that I’ve had some time to reflect back on everything I’ve done these last few years I’m going to fulfill the vow I made to myself, that I would finish these writing projects. I think I need to figure out how my faith and my skills go together. For now, I’ll just keep growing in faith for myself and write for my enjoyment. One day both may come in handy.
For right now, we will just pick up right where we left off, just like old friends. I’ll resume work on Mutant Chronicles. This will be the last project based on someone else’s work. Completing that will be a big burden off my shoulder’s, especially after my experience with the Lamenters Codex. After that it’s nothing but original ideas.
You’ll notice I edited the Production Slate. I’ve removed “Jon’s Film.” Although I really liked the idea, I want to move onto more interesting projects. I’ve been toying with that for awhile, so I went ahead and formalized it.
“Unforgettable” is now alone in phase 4. I’m going to write the entire series start to finish. Every episode. At the end of that project, if I feel the length is adequate I may convert it into a novel. That’s it, that’s the big tuna.
I want to get all this done before I inevitably get shipped off to a Covid Camp. I better get cracking after Christmas.
My Other Blog
I’m going to make a commitment to post to this blog once a week like I used to, giving you status updates like before. Even if it’s only my mom reading this blog, this places gives me a small diary into my thoughts and process as I continue on in my journey. I’m going to make another commitment to myself as well. Whenever I post something to this blog I’m going to post on my other blog too. I think in a week I can find some sort of helpful topic and I can flex the faith muscle more often. That might help me feel like I’m doing a little (a real little) something for my faith.
Meet me back here on January 2 and we will get going.