I’ve been trying to work on Mutant Chronicles this week. I got some writing done, but a lot of silly stuff has come up. I’ve been trying to work on my taxes. My son and I have been buying up comic books to try and finish some of our collections. Checking the books in, cleaning them, and re-bagging them.

I’ve just not been in the mood to write Mutant Chronicles. I was super hyped to write this before my Lamenters oriented brain melting, but I thought I could just get right back to it.

I’m just home from a sleep study this morning and I’m wide awake and exhausted at the same time. I sat down to write and I just can’t bring myself to do it. I think part of it is my state of mind, not just right now because of the study, but in general, my mind has not been in this story. (Has it ever?)

What’s the Problem?

I think the story is good. I really like the characters, but I’m not really feeling how things get from one point to another and my brain isn’t agreeing with how to get from that point A to that point B. Usually with a script I can sit down and even with difficulty, force myself to get through it. I just muscle through and get it done, but I’ve lost that perseverance for this story. Part of me thinks its my current medical issues. I stated last week that I wrote fairly well at night last time we talked. Part of me thinks it’s burnout. My son and I started up a large miniature painting project that I also put on hold because of burnout, fueled by all the crap I listed above.

A little part of me thinks that I just don’t care about this script anymore. At least not now. I do, but I don’t. I’ve been having anxiety lately, so I think I might just have too many plates spinning. Plus, I’m just ready for Jesus to show up.

I’m not sure.

Fixing it?

Not making progress is killing me. I may switch off to another project to try and break the monotony. I’m not really sure if the best project to move onto is One Night with Michelle or not. Part of me wants to stick to the plan. The other part of me wants to do something crazy and different. But, I feel that jumping a phase is bad form for my project here. That was the point of what I was trying to do, finish everything. Even the stuff I wasn’t super anxious about.

Another part of me wants to go to sleep.

Ugh, it hit 7:00AM and the blue light filter just turned off on my computer.

My eyes are burning.

Now What, Blind Man?

I’m going to keep Mutant Chronicles on this here burner. I may not work too fast, but I’ll give it until the end of the month and see what percolates. If I don’t get something, anything down by the first of next month I’ll probably shelve it and pursue something different.

Ok, but Now What?

A lot of my brain has been flirting with the idea of taking up drawing again. I think this has been rekindled by my uptake in comic books. I know it has. But, I’ve been slowly lowering myself once again into the world of comics after a short absence. I used to work at a shop in 2011-2012 while I was in college for art. This really got me going again. So, this is a path I was already embarking on. But, the path abruptly bludgeoned me and left me for dead during some rough times. Those times led me to sell my lovingly cared for comic book collection curated over 20 years. I’m just now getting my new collection close to where the former once was. But, this time I’m much more focused.

One downside is that I used to have a ton of books my parents, grandparents, friends, and others purchased for me that made up the heart of my collection. I have a few from my wife and son now, which I cherish, but I miss those other books because of the memories associated with them. Many of the books I’ve now replaced, but it isn’t the same. Many of my favorite books were purchased by my now passed grandmother while I visited in the summers as a child. Other books were begrudgingly bought by my parents on late evenings after they were exhausted from work. Issues purchased by friends at the shop, given to me, or other issues picked up on conversations with a friendly customer. All gone now. All that sucks, but its just stuff, I suppose. I still have the memories, now triggered by duplicate copies, so that works in a similar way, but it’s not exactly the same.

What’s that Got to do With Anything?

When I was younger I used comics to teach myself how to draw. Until I left high school my goal was to become a professional comic book artist. I hoped to become good enough to draw the X-Men like Arthur Adams (I had a poster of the X-Men in my room he drew that was a huge inspiration), Jim Lee, Marc Silvestri, or Andy Kubert. Chris Bachelo and Joe Madureira inspired me greatly during the early to mid 90s time period as well. I was really hitting a golden era with my art in high school, but got distracted and became interested in filmmaking.

That passion stubbornly stuck around after I graduated, much to my detriment and my parent’s consternation. The idea of becoming a filmmaker hindered a lot of opportunities I could have had before me. I know I would have been great at film, but to this day I regret not sticking with my original dream of drawing comics. I think I would have had a very good career. But, my parents probably weren’t having that shit either. Particularly after I graduated.

I probably would be exactly where I am right now.

Destined to be a loser forever.

One of my projects in the next phase is writing a script for a graphic novel. The potential immersion into drawing wouldn’t be a complete hindrance to that effort as I would really love to draw the book too, but getting back to where I was might take years. A more mature, more disciplined mind could make a lot of headway back to the path I was on, but I do love me a distraction.

So, I think about doing the graphic novel, which leads me to think abut drawing, which takes me down memory lane about comic books and childhood.

Which is why I’m a loser.

I have rambled on for awhile. Sorry.